December 20 Saturday – The Dec. 20, 1884 article by H.B. Stephens, “Mark Twain’s ‘Dorg’,” which ran in Every Other Saturday, is available in The Twainian (July-Aug. 1953) p.3-4, and contains a letter from Sam to Stephens, as well as a reference to a prior incoming letter from Stephens, both letters undated and unlisted by MTP. The article (which seems to have had much input from Mark Twain) plus Sam’s letter with poem, “My Dog Burns” are given here in full:
MARK TWAIN’S “DORG”
In or at his home in Hartford, Connecticut Mark Twain keeps a dog and he says it is the most cur-ious dog he has ever seen. It has a long pedigree and long hair—in this it is not singular as all heirs have long pedigree. It was sired by Jupiter and has been dam’d by everybody—it has therefore become well known and is celebrated. This dog is of the Scotch female race and Mark Twain calls it “Burns” because it is Scotch or looks scotch’d and also because Burns made Scotland. “Burns” wanders around a good deal and often gets into hot water—the consequence being a lot of little “burns”. But it is necessary in describing a dog to give a de-tailed description.
“Burns” is of the terrier type, possesses a shaggy coat of hair which is continually matted and is about as long in body as she is high in stature. Very plucky she is, and has been chronicled in the Hartford press as having on two occasions killed a rat—whether it was the same one or not was not mentioned in the report, but as the item was furnished by Mark himself, it may be accepted as reliable, very re-li-able.
“Burns” has four legs, and Mark Twain is excessively proud of this feature (is a leg a feature) in his dog. He says he has often seen dogs with only three—the fourth always being broken. The ears, (the dog’s not Mark’s) are well shaped and small, and differ from those of Mark in that poor “Burns” cannot use hers in flytime as fans. It must be very earitating.
The chief d’ouevre of “Burns” is her tail. No such tale was ever told—no, that’s not it, no such tail was ever unfold[ed] before to mortal ken. It is longer by several degrees than the dog itself, and is used in various ways. One is to wag the dog. Once started in this it will continue to wag the dog until poor little “Burns” becomes very faint and tired. It is a wonderful tail and Mark Twain has often told me that he has seriously often thought that the only way of stopping this tail from running on in so many numbers was to cut it short. But owing to the unprecedented popular demand this has not as yet been done. An awkward peculiarity pertaining to the dog’s tail is that, owing to its extreme length very few ever see the end of it and when the dog is making a brave attempt to get around a corner, a high wind will catch the tail and over it goes, pell, mell, dog, tail and all. The tail should never have been issued in one volume.
Mark Twain’s dog has one tooth in its head—it is the only toothin thing about “Burns.” Owing to the absence of molars, “Burns” is fed by Mark Himself, every day on prepared diet consisting of articles of a light character—written or prepared by Twain, himself. The result is that “Burns” is a little hairy in her temperament and condition. She is a great favorite with all the children of the village, as it is Mark who never goes out unprotected by his dog, and even strangers and tourists have been known to ejaculate, “Mark, the dog”. We may safely conclude that Mark and “Burns” will go down in history indisolubly connected—an immortal twain.
Adam and Eve’s names are connected with an apple, that of what’s his name, the inventor of the steam engine, with a tea-kettle, and that of Mark Twain with burns. By such trifles—light as air—is our life made up.
The above are a few notes I made some time since in preparation of a life of Mark Twain, a biography to be published in a series of “men of letters” now being placed before the public. Before proceeding much further in my work, I was informed that only “dead author’s lives” were available. I wrote Mark to that effect, and informing him that if he wished to attain the highest pinnacle of fame he should now die and the world would be happy. I received from him the following reply:
Dear Friend,
I am much pleased at the interest you take in my death, but as it is only to sell my “life” I must say that the interest is not very disinterested. In my present state of health I have no desire to occupy the pinnacle of fame: I never did like pointed attention and prefer to remain on one of the lower stories where I am not so liable to exposure. I have always had the very deepest veneration for you and as you know, would do anything for you in the way of reason. But to die for you is a “leetle onreasonable” and I prefer to live for you and to die for myself. My “Burns” never got well. She is now dead. I send you the following lines.
MY DOG BURNS
No more shall her beauteous form
Be seen in the raging storm.
No more shall her wondrous tail
Dodge the quickly dropping hail.
She lived a quiet harmless life
In Hartford far from madding strife;
Nor waged no War on peaceful rat
Nor battled with wild fierce tom-cat.
No, No, my beloved, dear ‘cause dead
What though thy coat was a brick dust red?
Like a good author, thou wast a trusty friend
And thy tail, like his, red to the very end.
Mark Twain
P.S. I am full and very sad.
P.s.s. Blaine came to “Burns” funeral: he is very kind just now.
And this was the last of Mark Twain’s dog.
H.B. Stephens.
Edward H. House wrote from Tokyo, Japan to Clemens, with “the best idea in the world….Get yourself made minister to Japan and come and pass four pleasant years here” [MTP].