May 31 Friday – The Boston Daily Globe, p.6. ran “MARK TWAIN’S KEEPER,” a good natured spoof about an imaginary interceptor of his invitations.

Isaac Answers His Invitations and Says Mr. Clemens is Sick.

Mark Twain once expressed a desire to attend the annual dinner of the Gridiron club of correspondents in Washington; but when an invitation was sent him, his regrets were received by return mail.

Meeting a member of the club later, he complained that he had been neglected. When informed that an invitation had been sent him and his regrets received, Mr. Clemens scratched his head, as though in perplexity for a moment, and then said: “Those were Isaac’s regrets.”

“Who is Isaac?”

“He’s my keeper. He’s the man my wife hired to prevent me having any more fun.”

Mark then explained that Isaac opened all his letters and invitations, wrote answers, which in the case of invitations always consisted of regrets, and then burned them. When asked what is Isaac’s other name, the humorist replied sadly:

“I don’t know. My wife hired him, and she told me what his name is, but I have forgotten. I call him Isaac, as he is doomed to the fate that nearly befell the favorite son of Abraham. When I get well I intend to cut him up in chunks and burn him on the altar, and I don’t care if the angels holler till they get diphtheria.”

“Doesn’t he ever consult you about the answers to your invitations?”

“Never. He always sends my regrets and says I’m sick, and that’s going to get me into trouble. I told him so the other day. Said I:

“‘Isaac, when I die and go to heaven, St. Peter is likely to take me up some morning and remind me about those polite falsehoods you’re telling in my name, and then I’ll have to look all over Tophet for you to prove an alibi.’”

— Argonaut. [Note: “Isaac” is likely imaginary.]