January 16–18 Thursday – Sam’s satire sketch about Albert Evans includes vernacular from a boy, something Sam would use to great advantage in his greatest literary work, Huckleberry Finn. The sketch, “Fitz Smythe’s Horse,” and an item “What Have the Police Been Doing?” ran in the Enterprise between these dates. Most copies of the Enterprise are lost, but it required about three days to travel between Virginia City and San Francisco, and the sketch was reprinted under the heading “Mark Twain” by the Golden Era on Jan. 21, thereby dating the Virginia City publication.
FITZ SMYTHE’S HORSE
Yesterday, as I was coming along through a back alley, I glanced over a fence, and there was Fitz Smythe’s horse. I can easily understand, now, why that horse always looks so dejected and in different to the things of this world. They feed him on old newspapers. I had often seen Smythe carrying “dead loads” of old exchanges up town, but I never suspected that they were to be put to such a use as this. A boy came up while I stood there, and said, “That hoss belongs to Mr. Fitz Smythe, and the old man —
that’s my father, you know — the old man’s going to kill him.”
“Who, Fitz Smythe?”
“No, the hoss — because he et up a litter of pups that the old man wouldn’t a taken forty dol — “
“Who, Fitz Smythe?”
“No, the hoss — and he eats fences and everything — took our gate off and carried it home and et up every dam splinter of it; you wait till he gets done with them old Altas and Bulletins he’s a chawin’ on now, and you’ll see him branch out and tackle a-n-y-thing he can shet his mouth on. Why, he nipped a little boy, Sunday, which was going home from Sunday school; well, the boy got loose, you know, but that old hoss got his bible and some tracts, and them’s as good a thing as he wants, being so used to papers, you see. You put anything to eat anywheres, and that old hoss’ll shin out and get it — and he’ll eat anything he can bite, and he don’t care a dam. He’d climb a tree, he would, if you was to put anything up there for him — cats, for instance — he likes cats — he’s et up every cat there was here in four blocks — he’ll take more chances — why, he’ll bust in anywheres for one of them fellers; I see him snake a old tom cat out of that there flower-pot over yonder, where she was a sunning of herself, and take her down, and she a hanging on and a grabbling for a holt on some thing, and you could hear her yowl and kick up and tear around after she was inside of him. You see Mr. Fitz Smythe don’t give him nothing to eat but them old newspapers and sometimes a basket of shavings, and so you know, he’s got to prospect or starve, and a hoss ain’t going to starve, it ain’t likely, on account of not wanting to be rough on cats and sich things. Not that hoss, anyway, you bet you. Because he don’t care a dam. You turn him loose once on this town, and don’t you know he’d eat up m-o-r-e goods-boxes, and fences, and clothing-store things, and animals, and all them kind of valuables? Oh, you bet he would. Because that’s his style, you know, and he don’t care a dam. But you ought to see Mr. Fitz Smythe ride him around, prospecting for them items — you ought to see him with his soldier coat on, and his mustashers sticking out strong like a cat-fish’s horns, and them long laigs of his’n standing out so, like them two prongs they prop up a step-ladder with, and a jolting down street at four mile a week — oh, what a guy! — sets up stiff like a close pin, you know, and thinks he looks like old General Macdowl. But the old man’s a going to hornisswoggle that hoss on account of his goblin up them pups. Oh, you bet your life the old man’s down on him. Yes, sir, coming!” and the entertaining boy departed to see what the “old man” was calling him for. But I am glad that I met the boy, and I am glad I saw the horse taking his literary breakfast, because I know now why the animal looks so discouraged when I see Fitz Smythe rambling down Montgomery street on him — he has altogether too rough a time getting a living to be cheerful and frivolous or anyways frisky [ET&S 2: 343-6].